i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
