He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
