You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
