I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
