I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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