Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
