Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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