Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
