ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
