I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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