Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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