I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
