How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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