So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just pee around me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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