I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
