so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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