She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
