Whod you bang
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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