Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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