If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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