You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
