Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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