I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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