it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
