i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
