sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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