Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
