there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
