This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
