I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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