How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
