Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
