I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
