now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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