i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
