Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
