so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
