just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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