im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
