Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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