Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.