Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.