I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
