Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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