at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
