Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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