omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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