i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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