I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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