i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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