your parents love me but you hate me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
