Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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