i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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