I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
