moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
