I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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