yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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