Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
