I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
